Author’s Note: In the 1980s, Rifaat Assad, brother of then Syrian President Hafez Assad (ruled 1971-2000), introduced a policy awarding an 80-point bonus to any high school graduate who completed parachute training. This bonus allowed many low-achieving students to gain entry into once-elite fields such as medicine, pharmacy, and engineering. Around the same time, the Regional Command of the ruling Ba’ath Party launched a plan to appoint 5,000 teaching assistants. When there weren’t enough college graduates with high GPAs, the country’s four public universities began appointing teaching assistants who had barely graduated. Both policies drastically reshaped Syria’s academic landscape, often with disastrous consequences.
***
Ammar added up the three government bonuses granted to him—one for being the resident of an underdeveloped province, another for his membership in the Baath Youth, and the third for his completion of a parachute training course—alongside his well-earned grades from school. His hopes of joining medical school soared. Hell! The son of their neighbor, nicknamed She-of-the-Pug-Nose, was no better!
When the results of the national competition were announced, Ammar practically “parachuted” overnight into the College of Medicine in Aleppo. Celebrations followed—sheep were slaughtered, and the neighbors, including She-of-the-Pug-Nose, were invited to a grand feast. Truth be told, Ammar’s family disliked She-of-the-Pug-Nose because her dorky son, Hussam, wasn’t just a doctor; he was also a professor in the College of Medicine.
Ammar had failed the scientific baccalaureate exam twice, and when he finally passed on his third attempt, his score only qualified him to study law or history—both of which were largely underrated in the Syrian academic tradition. These specializations were typically chosen by those who had exhausted their options for more prestigious careers. However, Comrade Ammar had completed a parachute training course after his first failure in the baccalaureate exam, and Commander Rifaat—then widely admired before falling into disfavor—had shown his generosity by awarding an additional 80 points to those who completed the course. After all, hadn’t these young men and women risked their lives for the sake of the homeland, its leader, and the leader’s family by jumping by parachute?
However, Ammar was deeply saddened to discover, after years of struggling in college, that the son of She-of-the-Pug-Nose would be his anatomy professor. In the first lecture, Professor Hussam gathered the students around the body of a man found dumped in the desert, who had no identification to help locate his family. Professor Hussam explained that a doctor must possess speed and keen observation. Then with lightning speed, he inserted his finger into the dead man’s nose and then swiftly put it in his own mouth. The students, especially the girls, were disgusted by this unmedical act. “You see,” the professor said, “I just told you that the most important qualities for a doctor are speed and keen observation. You didn’t notice that I put my index finger in the corpse’s mouth, but that wasn’t what I put in my own—I put my thumb in instead. Next time, pay more attention!” He then washed his hands with sanitizer.
The students were impressed by their professor’s intelligence and sleight of hand. Even Ammar’s resentment toward him diminished, and he stopped referring to him as the son of She-of-the-Pug-Nose—even in private! He vowed that if fortune smiled upon him one day, he would surpass Professor Hussam. However, it seemed unlikely he would ever become a teaching assistant at the college, as he had to take every subject at least two or three times, and his GPA was far too low even for the immediately-to-be-implemented five-thousand-teaching-assistants plan. While Ammar’s classmates graduated, opened clinics, or partnered to establish private hospitals, he remained in the college like an old sofa discarded in a basement.
After a long journey, however, Dr. Ammar finally graduated. His family and neighbors had in fact referred to him as Dr. Ammar ever since he parachuted into medical school at the start of his freshman year. And his mother would even be very angry with the neighbors, especially with She-of-the-Pug-Nose, if they asked her how Ammar–just like that without any honorifics–was doing. News of his repeated failures had traveled far and wide, causing erstwhile admirers to abandon him. Year after year, the number of people who greeted him during his visits to his hometown dwindled. Even his cousin Warda, whom his father had promised to him since she passed the ninth grade, no longer wanted to marry him after his repeatedly delayed graduation. He had neither allowed her to complete her studies like her ambitious classmates nor permitted her to marry like the others.
Even the sheep his father had ordered slaughtered on this occasion were significantly fewer than those slaughtered when he was accepted into medical school, thanks to Commander Rifaat’s generosity. The butcher worked with impressive speed, slaughtering, skinning, and cutting up the sheep. It even occurred to Dr. Ammar that this butcher could have been a skilled surgeon if given the chance to dissect humans as he did animals. No, no, perish the irreverent thought!
When they dragged the only he-goat among the sheep to the butcher, Dr. Ammar said, “I want to show these boys an experiment we learned in medical school. Perhaps some of them will join it one day, and I want them to benefit from my long experience there.”
“What do you want from me?” asked the butcher.
“I want you to slaughter the he-goat and skin him, but don’t cut him up until I’ve done my experiment in front of these children of the future.”
“But, Doctor, I’m in a hurry.”
“It won’t take more than a minute, believe me.”
Boys and men alike were curious to witness Dr. Ammar’s medical miracle. Now, son of She-of-the-Pug-Nose, you will find out that you are not the only marvel of medical school. I, Dr. Ammar, shall demonstrate what I can do in front of these witnesses. He cleared his throat and said, “The first thing a doctor must possess is speed and keen observation. Today, I will give you a lesson in anatomy. Of course, in college, we performed dissections on human corpses, but there’s no harm in using this he-goat instead. So, watch my speed and be keen observers.”
Didn’t he long ago swear that he would do more than the son of She-of-the-Pug-Nose had done? Would he really just stick his index finger in the he-goat’s nose? No, those antics are banal, outdated. With lightning speed, he inserted his middle finger into the rectum of the slaughtered he-goat lying shamelessly on the butcher’s bench. The assembled crowd shouted in disapproval and disgust before he could put his clean finger in his mouth. The agitation of the crowd confused him—he had expected sighs of admiration. Instead of putting his clean index finger in his mouth, he accidentally put in the middle one. It wasn’t until it was too late that he realized he had also scooped up some runny stool (his taste buds remained intact despite his chain smoking). The crowd became even more disgusted, boos erupted, and everyone—even the needy and poor—swore not to eat from a banquet held in honor of “a goat doctor.” When no guests remained, his father vowed to throw the meat to the dogs.
Warda had been watching the proceedings from the balcony of her parents’ house. As her humiliated fiancé stood alone, she poured a bucket of cold water over him and tossed him the engagement ring, saying, “Over my dead body!”
